“People don’t actually want self-control—they want control over others.”
Most people expect discipline when it comes to cheating. They believe self-control is a choice—an expectation. But when it comes to jealousy, suddenly, it’s just “natural.” That raises a real question: If we can control cheating, why don’t we hold jealousy to the same standard?
This blog isn’t here to tell you what to think—it’s here to challenge how you think.
What follows is a conversation between two perspectives:
- A curious deep thinker who questions the logic behind what people accept without second thought.
- A person open to hearing a different perspective, willing to engage but also representing the mainstream mindset.
This isn’t about winning an argument—it’s about breaking down the ideas we’ve been conditioned to accept and seeing if they really hold up.
Read through, engage with the conversation, and drop your thoughts in the comments. Because maybe this isn’t the end of the discussion—maybe it’s just the start of another blog.
Let’s Begin
The same way people complain and hate cheating and expect people to have control over this, what i consider innate behavior, why cant people have control over jealousy instead?
That’s a solid question, and it cuts right into the contradictions of human nature. If we expect people to suppress the urge to cheat, which arguably has deep evolutionary roots tied to reproduction and variety-seeking behavior, then why don’t we hold jealousy to the same standard of control?
Jealousy, like the drive to cheat, is also an innate response—one rooted in survival, competition, and fear of loss. But instead of encouraging people to master it, society often justifies it as a natural reaction, even romanticizing it in relationships. People are told they should feel jealous because it shows they care, while cheating is universally condemned as a betrayal.
The irony is that jealousy is just as instinctual as the desire to seek multiple partners, yet one is excused while the other is vilified. If we expect discipline over cheating, shouldn’t we also expect discipline over jealousy? Instead of indulging jealousy, people could be taught to manage it, just like they’re taught to resist infidelity.
At its core, both behaviors stem from self-interest—one from wanting more, the other from fearing loss. But society frames them differently: cheating is framed as selfish and destructive, while jealousy is often framed as proof of love. The reality? Both require conscious control to avoid ruining relationships.
My bigger question is what makes people so suseptible to this conditioning and not evaluating the things that make them uncomfortable and not putting in place solutions to ease the uncomfortability. Is survival priority or is control?
That’s the real question—why do people so easily accept conditioning without questioning what makes them uncomfortable? Why do they let emotions like jealousy dictate their actions instead of critically analyzing and controlling them?
At its core, human susceptibility to conditioning comes down to ease and conformity. Most people aren’t trained to challenge their own emotions or dissect why they feel a certain way. They simply react. Society doesn’t encourage deep self-reflection; it encourages fitting in, following norms, and avoiding discomfort.
But when you strip it down, what’s the real priority—survival or control?
Survival should be the priority, but in today’s world, control has taken over. Unlike in the past, where survival meant securing food, shelter, and protection, modern survival is more psychological and social. People fear losing love, status, validation, or control over their relationships, and because of that, they cling to emotions like jealousy rather than mastering them. Society reinforces this because it benefits from keeping people reactive rather than rational.
People are conditioned to normalize their discomfort instead of eliminating it. Instead of saying, “Why does this make me uncomfortable? How can I solve it?” they say, “This is just how things are, and I’ll act based on how I feel.” That’s where the problem lies.
So, if we flip the question—why do people struggle to control jealousy but expect others to control cheating? The answer is power dynamics. People like feeling in control of their relationships, but they don’t like the idea of someone else controlling them. Jealousy is accepted because it enforces control. Cheating is condemned because it represents a loss of control. It’s not really about morality; it’s about who holds the power in the dynamic.
So now the question is, what's up with this need for control? Where does it stem from or is it from conditioning or is it survival even?
The need for control is deeply rooted in both survival and conditioning, but the balance between the two has shifted over time.
1. Control as a Survival Mechanism
Control originally served a practical purpose—predictability increases survival. Early humans needed to control their environment, food supply, social structures, and even relationships to ensure stability. In that sense, control was about securing resources, reducing threats, and maintaining order.
In relationships, control over a partner (whether through loyalty, protection, or enforced roles) meant ensuring reproductive success, maintaining social stability, and avoiding betrayal that could lead to danger or loss of resources. Back then, control wasn’t about power for power’s sake—it was a means of survival and stability.
2. Control as a Conditioned Response
As society evolved, control stopped being purely about survival and became more about personal security, power, and emotional stability. Modern conditioning has reinforced the idea that:
- We must control how people see us (social status, validation).
- We must control our relationships (fear of betrayal, rejection).
- We must control our emotions (but often selectively, like suppressing some while indulging others).
The shift is this: What was once survival-based control is now comfort-based control. People seek control not to survive, but to avoid emotional discomfort, unpredictability, and perceived weakness.
For example:
- Jealousy is a reaction to losing control over a partner’s attention or loyalty.
- Cheating is condemned because it means losing control over the relationship dynamic.
- Possessiveness is seen as love rather than insecurity because it reinforces the illusion of control.
3. So, Is Control Innate or Learned?
It’s both, but modern society has exaggerated its importance.
- Innate control came from the need to ensure survival.
- Learned control is what people cling to today—control over relationships, people’s opinions, social standing, and emotions that make them uncomfortable.
True emotional intelligence would mean learning to let go of unnecessary control, but society doesn’t encourage that. It reinforces control as the key to stability—even when it’s really just an illusion.
So the real question now is: Is control a necessity, or just a coping mechanism for people who refuse to face uncertainty? Because in a world where survival is no longer a daily battle, control seems to be more about avoiding discomfort than securing actual safety.
Ok so if its a coping mechanism, then that insinuates that there's a fear of something correct? And that would lead me to believe that fear is the basis for most or even all ways of being.
Exactly. If control is a coping mechanism, then it exists to manage fear. And if people are driven by the need for control in so many areas of life, then fear must be the foundation of most, if not all, human behavior.
Fear as the Root of Everything
Every major emotion, decision, and instinct can be traced back to fear:
- Jealousy? Fear of loss, rejection, or inferiority.
- Cheating? Fear of missing out, fear of commitment, or fear of stagnation.
- Control? Fear of uncertainty and unpredictability.
- Anger? Often rooted in fear of disrespect, weakness, or lack of power.
- Love? Even love has elements of fear—fear of being alone, unloved, or unfulfilled.
- Ambition? Fear of failure, fear of irrelevance, fear of not being enough.
Even things people consider “positive” emotions or behaviors often stem from fear:
- Success? Many chase it out of fear of being a nobody.
- Kindness? Sometimes it’s genuine, but often it’s driven by fear of judgment or rejection.
- Hard work? Fear of not being valued, not having security, or not proving something to oneself or others.
So Is Fear the Driving Force of Human Nature?
It’s looking that way. Fear is what creates the need for control, validation, security, and even self-improvement. It’s the silent motivator behind nearly everything, but society disguises it under different names:
- Fear of irrelevance becomes ambition
- Fear of loneliness becomes love dependency
- Fear of failure becomes perfectionism
- Fear of loss becomes possessiveness
- Fear of change becomes tradition and conservatism
People don’t like to admit it, but fear controls them far more than logic or reason. Even those who seem fearless usually just have a different relationship with fear—they either confront it or redefine it.
So, What’s the Next Question?
If fear is the root, then the real challenge becomes:
- How do we reprogram ourselves to stop being fear-driven?
- What does life look like when we remove fear as the motivator?
- Is fear necessary for progress, or is it just an unnecessary limitation disguised as a survival tool?
Because if fear is the foundation, then breaking free from it might be the only real way to live without being controlled.
This just confirms that you can’t escape fear but it also shows that we are selective in how we manage fear and that raises more questions
Exactly. You can’t escape fear, but you can see how selectively people choose to manage it. That’s where things get even more interesting—why do people confront some fears while surrendering to others?
If fear is the foundation of behavior, then that means:
- People tolerate some fears because they’re socially normalized.
- People suppress some fears because they feel shame in admitting them.
- People fight some fears because they see them as obstacles to success.
- People submit to some fears because they’ve been conditioned to accept them as reality.
The Selective Management of Fear
Why is it that:
- People are terrified of failure but not of a predictable, unfulfilled life?
- People fear being cheated on but not the jealousy that eats them alive?
- People fear embarrassment but not living a life of regret?
- People fear change but not being stuck?
This selective relationship with fear proves that fear itself isn’t the issue—it’s how people frame it. Society dictates which fears are acceptable to challenge and which ones should be accepted as part of life. That’s conditioning at work.
So Now the Bigger Questions Are:
1. Who decides which fears we challenge and which we obey?
2. If fear can’t be escaped, can it at least be reprogrammed into something useful?
3. Does eliminating fear even matter, or does it just shift into new forms?
4. If fear is inevitable, how do you make sure it’s working for you instead of against you?
Because if people are truly driven by fear but only confront some of it, that means the real battle isn’t against fear—it’s against the programming that tells you which fears to bow to and which ones to fight.
I hear you and I’m still very curious about some things but I’ll vent those out to you the next time.
What Y’all Think?
So, what’s the takeaway here?
If people expect discipline over cheating, why does jealousy get a free pass? Is control really about morality and self-discipline, or is it just about who holds the power in the dynamic? And if control is truly possible, then why do people only enforce it when it benefits them?
At the end of the day, maybe control was never about right or wrong—maybe it was always about fear and comfort.
But that’s just one perspective. What y’all think?
Drop your thoughts in the comments—because this conversation doesn’t end here. If there’s another angle to explore, we’ll pick it up in the next blog.
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